I’m on the court, a ball flying toward me. It bounces, and I swing my paddle, making contact. The ball arcs over the net and lands near the baseline, and I rush forward. Bam, bam, bam, it zooms back and forth…until it bounces out of my reach, and I lose the point.
An hour later, I find myself nearly incapacitated, lying in bed, where I stay for much of the afternoon. I’m not physically depleted, but my brain feels like it’s on fire from too much stimulation. Below the surface simmers a sense of doom, as though I’m under attack, with no defense.
Nine months ago, I started playing pickleball. Most days it is fun—I leave the court lit with joy. However, some days, especially when I play too long or with advanced pickleballers, my nervous system gets so cranked up from the speed of the game that I have to rest much of the day.
Last week, the post-game meltdown lasted two days. I felt wired and tired, unable to do much at all. Finally, ending in tears, I looked closely at this new creation.
I see how it mirrors my childhood. Raised in a highly competitive family, I’m wired to try to win. I was the youngest of six kids, so I always had to compete extra hard to keep up at all. We battled over everything, especially love, since in the presence of alcoholism, much of the parental attention went right into that scotch bottle. Now, I throw myself into situations and exert so intensely I end up depleted.
It’s not just sports, either. I compete for my mate’s affection, to be the best writer, and to be the boldest, brightest light around. My efforts are rarely good enough for me, mind telling me to buckle down, work harder. And at times I believe its lashings, like an old horse whose master whips it forever onward.
I now see that the lower worlds are all about competing; that’s the food chain, so powerful in its drive to constantly move us toward our next incarnation. But there comes a time when we can let that go. We can let the world continue with its dog-eat-dog existence and bow out of the competition.
I’m at that point of reckoning with this over-achiever, so I call on the Inner Coach. Immediately, I feel the True Love inside. This Essence is so blissful that it blazes out all ambition and replaces it with effortless effort. Who cares if I play poorly or well—whether on the court or in life. It has no bearing on this Love that I am. This Love is real, while all those achievements mind strives for are merely a dream. When I live from this heightened state, my mind settles, my body calms. This bliss is separate from everything—it is so pure and uplifting, and yet it is everything—it is both singular and united with all life.
I no longer feel any need to strive, to try. I simply am.
As for pickleball, I’ve found a handful of players who are at my level, so it’s a slower game, better for my body and mind, and thus my spiritual heart. I can simply be where I am—right now. With that attitude, I always win!
Beautiful thoughts. So many ways to stay connected to the outer world! Wonderful to see you in Albuquerque.
Bob, it was lovely to see you too. I always forget how tall you are, and then I see you and go, wow! So true what you say about connection. Thank you.
yes. be-in the infinite love we each are isssss ever sooooo beauty full!
Big smile here as I read your comment, Christine Elizabeth. This Love issss ever sooooo beauty full. That sums it up perfectly!
Would that I could find a moment of sharing with others at my level, in my new “game” of parenting young teens from my 80 year old place. Thankfully my Divine Tracher is here with me for this challenge
Thank you, Niki, sounds like an interesting challenge. And you are right: You/we have all the help we could ever need. It’s so lovely and calming to rest in that truth!
Lesley you are Love at any level and pass it on to so many others: I’m gracious for your gift of words you share. John
Aww, thank you, John. I see the same in you, pure love!
Leslie this is profound and so timely as
Thank you, Helen. I’m glad the post spoke to you. It was wonderful to touch in with you recently, and I wish you well as you move to warmer climes.
Beautiful dearheart, thank you! Yes, these tendencies run so, so deeply as the inner Bhakti gives us succor and relief to Be.
Beautifully said, Debra! They do run so deeply. I see it everywhere, in my pets, in the big world out there… Indeed, the Bhakti does give us the “succor and relief to BE.” Love that! Thank you.
You won long ago dearest Leslie.
Your comment gave me a good chuckle, Liz. So sweet! And true for us all. With the Master in our “court” we can only win!
Leslie, your gift was so inspirational, especially for myself (also a new pickleball player) and others who also grew up being so competitive. This Love is indeed the summum bonum of all of life’s experiences. Thank you so much.
Thank you for your kindness. And it’s great that you’re playing pickleball as well. One of the reasons I love the game is because it is so silly, with its language—dinking, kitchen, etc. One can hardly take oneself seriously with such terminology. And yes, this Love is everything!