With a phone to my ear, I pace from my kitchen to my living room and back. My palms sweat. My throat constricts and my heart beats fast. Occasionally a voice within says, “You’re failing. This is terrible.” But I ignore it, call on my Beloved and keep talking.
No, I’m not breaking up with a boyfriend, nor am I trying to convince the IRS that my deductions are honest.
I am being the creator.
This is really an inner movement in which I decide that I’m not going to sit on my duff and wait to be spiritual. Instead I take my Beloved’s hand and launch into my Godliness.
Then I actuate the Divinity by launching in my outer life.
So I was guided to create a writing course. Rather than advertise it and wait for clients to pay, I simply did it. I planned the course and told my friends on my blog and on social media. Then I delivered it for free over the phone.
That’s what my sweaty-palmed call is about.
This kind of creation isn’t easy for me. I tend to have stage fright, and the virtual auditorium of a phone line only slightly eases the fear. For days before the course, my appetite deadened and my sleep felt like I was a chicken on a rotisserie, turning and turning.
So now, when I hang up the line I’m pleased. Some 40 people tuned in. I created something with love and put it out to the cosmos.
I head to my computer to see who has signed up—and paid—for the extended course I offered.
My heart sinks when I see that no one has.
I take a walk, return and check again. My arms hang limply from their sockets, and my heart feels as though it’s pressing up into my throat. I put so much effort into the free call and into planning my offering. But no one is signing up.
I have no choice but to surrender this. I give it to my Beloved, eat dinner and go to bed.
When I awaken I do my spiritual exercise, and the weight eases. I see that it doesn’t matter whether or not anyone signs up. What matters is my willingness to act in order to find out what will happen. I did my best to listen to Divine guidance and to walk through the fear. In that light, my course was a complete success.
I also see that all love and wealth are within me. I am completely sustained by my Beloved.
As I cook breakfast a quiet voice in me says, “I’ll teach that course. It will be fun, instructive for me, and a great opportunity to channel Divine love to the world.” I don’t know to whom I will teach, but that doesn’t matter. Rather than a need or desire, this is a quiet knowing.
I open my email box and there they are, my first clients, along with a few emails indicating more to come.
This is the dance of surrender and acting to find out.
When was an adolescent I learned to waltz, and I still love to. My partner and I take long, gliding steps to the count of three. I yield to the pressure of his palm on my hip and shoulder, but I must manifest my own part. So I step to the beat and sway to the melody. Together we float around the floor, our beings rising and falling as though on swelling waves. We disappear into the movement that is pure love.
This is how I come to be my true self,
which is God.
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