The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”—Rumi
Today is my mother and brother’s birthday. For our little brunch party, I supply dessert: chocolate cake layered with mousse.
Though my mouth salivates at the sight of the delicacy, do I dare eat it?
At this point in my life, even a little dessert causes weeks of discord with my physical body and thus the rest of my creation. This karma layer cake is likely the culmination of a lifetime (lifetimes?) of reliance on such food.
Years ago a boyfriend said to me, “There’s no emotion at your ranch, there’s just cake.”
He was completely right. In my household as a child and well into adulthood, emotion was a force so powerful that it could not be entertained lest it take over. Rather than feel the pain of my yearning for God, I reached for food. (I also reached for wine, which I discussed in the previous post Find Your Inner Wine.)
I baked sour-cream chocolate cake, chocolate cheesecake with cookie crust, chocolate cream pie layered with pecans, chocolate-chip walnut cookies, and much more. At our ranch house we had a cart that I would wheel out after dinner to display all the delicacies. I ate while I baked, while I served and while I did the dishes.
That matrix continued through my life. As an adult I wrote about restaurants. Master chefs served me five-course meals that culminated in tiramisu, house-made coffee ice cream and Grand Marnier chocolate mousse, to name only a few.
Only recently have I come to more peace with my emotional nature, so I no longer picture chocolate in my imagination during times of pain. Instead, I call on my Beloved and sit and watch my emotions with compassion and love.
This freedom has come as a gift from my devotion.
At our little party, I light the candles, carry out the cake and initiate singing Happy Birthday.
I’m grateful that my emotions can now work for me. When I yearn for love, instead of reaching for cake, I reach for God. And I let my emotions play across the image of my Beloved and thus I soar into the higher worlds.
Today, while my family members relish the layers of chocolate, I eat a baked pear and enjoy what is truly important: my loved ones’ company.
Someday I may be blessed with the ability to eat cake. For now I am blessed with the greatest of all confections: Divine love.
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