“All your pain, worry, sorrow will someday apologize and confirm they were a great lie.”—Hafiz
Recently, I nearly drowned in gloom. I had an allergic reaction that sapped my strength and sent me to the couch to nurse a pained stomach for days. I had no strength, no desire to work or communicate with the world. I did only what was necessary to fulfill my responsibilities.
Before this happened I was feeling stronger and more Divinely inspired than I ever have.
What took me down?
The malaise started just days after visiting my childhood home. My mother and I went to our former ranch to see my brother and his family. A few times a year I go to the Watrous Valley in northeastern New Mexico. It is a magical place. Truly, in this life I was blessed with a stunning home.
Once a stagecoach stop on the Santa Fe Trail, it is a huge adobe hacienda surrounded by black willows. A river where blue herons nest flows nearby, and beyond, broad plains stretch like a green ocean.
And yet, as a child, within all the beauty, I experienced colossal pain.
It was a place of war—between my parents, my sister and me, and my brother. As well, my stepfather perished when he crashed a helicopter near the river. And one of my closest friends drove home from our house one night, rolled his car and died.
Though my family no longer owns the house where so much drama took place, my mother and I drove by it en route to my brother’s, which still sits on a part of the ranch.
Our day at his home was fun and easy—a lunch of salmon on the patio, accompanied by much laughter. It was the anniversary of my sister’s death, and though we did not speak of it, it was there as a tender spot among us.
On the way home, Mom and I encountered a severe accident on the highway. Wounded bodies lay on the ground—a helicopter there to lift them to a hospital. The synchronicity of the sight stunned us: at age 26, my sister died in a car accident.
And yet, when I arrived home, I was fine, for a few days, until my body collapsed.
One night while nursing my pained stomach, I felt the weight of my whole past in that house and on that land. The sadness of it seemed too large to bear. It was like a tragic novel—like Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre in its epic sorrow. In my memory the fields were dark and the house held a ghostly gloom.
In bed that night, I faced the sadness. I cried big, lumpy tears. I felt the pain deep in my belly.
I had never really questioned those memories. They were always just tragic. But this time I met them with God, who showed me the truth.
No tragedy, none at all. In one instant, the Divine lifted, like a morning fog, all the gloom.
The fighting, the death—that is just the way of the lower worlds. Back then my fellow family souls and I were simply working through our base energies. They are all about survival—fighting for life. Really, I was simply sharpening my warrior skills so that I could use them to climb into the love of the higher worlds.
No one died.
Those souls completed their mission of that particular incarnation.
Above all, I was not harmed. Because of those very days, I thrive now in the face of danger. Because of the tears I shed, I now know that I am eternal, that all the power of creation flows through me.
After this revelation, I stepped back into life with a strength I have never before known.
I have always loved the great dark stories of Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. I knew Heathcliff’s despair and Jane’s fear of craziness in the attic. We all do—anyone who is driven to spirituality has walked the darkest path imaginable in order to arrive at the glowing gates of freedom.
As I write this, I am free of that darkness. Now that illusion of my past is mostly neutral—experience that brought me to where I am today: living in a world of glowing radiance lit by my Beloved inner self.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Lesley. You give me hope through my tears. I have felt withdrawn lately–in my bubble so the outside world doesn’t notice me, mourning some losses and confronting fears. I do know that forever life awaits us and our loved ones, but it is so comforting to be reminded in such a thoughful way. With gratitude—and blessings to you!
Sherida, I greatly appreciate you sharing your truth here. The autumn brings up so much for us all as the Earth’s annual cycle shares its death with us. We are loved completely, always and forever.
I have been graced with a daughter who is seven now. Through the years we have a way of exchanging love between us than the common “i love you” that is used like napkins in a cafeteria. I’ll kneel down wait a moment til all is still, we catch each other’s eyes and I’ll lean my forehead to hers and whisper “you make my heart happy” we embrace and move on rejuvenated of what deep down we know is real to our level.
Lesley, your work, and courage make my heart happy. 🙂
Logan, what beauty you share with your daughter, and us. After seeing the pictures of the two of you I can only imagine how much love must course between you. It is all one unending flow, and the more we open to it the more it can swirl around and through our entire creation, lifting us and all we know into eternity.
Very on point, Lesley, and I can relate to it, as I am sure a lot of people can. So, thanks for the reminder, that it is all just a thin veil of memory and I/we do not have to hold onto the sadness and gloom, because it is what it was and that is the point “was”–“is” no longer…
So true, Cynthia. Thank you. “A thin veil of memory,” is a beautiful image to see it, as a veil is such an ephemeral thing, as are these past experiences. The Now is everything.
Lesley, many blessings. I recently saw a photo of my father, taken in the year of his suicide (1942). Your story brings up memories of his translation and the extreme anger and pain that was present within my being then. I have negotiated that hurt over the years with the Masters guidance, love and understanding. I know that his incarnation was exactly perfect for that soul, and my and my mothers soul for that matter. We really have to dig deep to walk our path back home. The path just is the path.
Thomas, a suicide is one of those experiences that is extremely tainted with gloom, so I can barely imagine what your family negotiated through the years. It is beautiful that the Beloved has lifted you beyond that. We are so blessed to be able to simply grab ahold of His coattails and rise above life.
As inspired by your sharing of release of gloom greating of radiance:
Oh how this resistant rock of a world hones us,
Sharpens us on itself so that we may slice,
Like a knife through butter, past its steel strength,
With the samurai sword of truth, forged from surrender
Of our strongest perceptions to that which only soul perceives
And into the radiance of a an illuminating thousand suns
Which burn away the dross of that harsh world we once knew
Allowing us to live in the bliss of being.
Oh Sheila, this is completely and utterly beautiful. The images, the meaning all lift my spirit. I so aspire to live in the radiance of those thousand suns, and when I am with the Beloved I get glimpses of how. Thank you, thank you, dear soul. Perfect for me this morning.
Wow, Lesley, this is powerful. It’s going to take some deep contemplation, but I know you have once again assisted me in my own spiritual understanding and growth. I’ve been receiving alot of physical therapy recently for physical pains of unknown origin. I’ve had several sessions in which the therapist would start to work on a really painful, chronically troublesome area and all these sad and hurtful memories from my long-ago past would suddenly surface and I would know instantly that the pain was initially created during those times. With each instance, I have asked the Beloved to show me the way out of the darkness and pain and into joy and ease and I can honestly say it’s worked every time. Your story here has just depeened my understanding and cleared my vision even more. Thanks again for sharing your journey so bravely and beautifully.
Marian, you are very brave to explore that old pain. I love what you say, “With each instance, I have asked the Beloved to show me the way out of the darkness and pain and into joy and ease.” Surrender in those moments of pain is really so much easier than resisting them. Each day I surrender sooner. Sending you so much love as you purify.
Thank you Lesley.
What an inspiring and heartfelt story. One of pain, sorrow, release and joy, yet all so perfect within the play of unfoldment and enlightenment.
Fearfully we hold onto these karmic stories/impressions as they become inter-woven within the very fabric of our being. They seem to become a part of us until we reach a level of strength and power to negotiate them.
Through loving surrender, and the spiritual birthing process, we are graced through Divine intervention, a release of the old, revealing the truth and value of the Shabda gift/experience.
It seems that the higher the Soul is in consciousness the darker and deeper are the experiences to be negotiated, yet once realized it just all seems so perfectly simple.
I had a similar experience when my son passed away years ago. The understanding, via the Master was the same as yours. It made all the difference in my attitude and my heightened countenance, relieving a heavy burden I would not otherwise have been able to release. I use it as a channeling opportunity at times when the subject is broached and I am moved to do so. Life is precious no matter what. But the life we have believed in encompasses far greater plains then merely the physical.
I’d say the belly-ache was well worth it. Well done fearless warrior! Beautiful release and ascension. Much love to you. 🙂
Deborah, yes, there was definitely a dollar bill at the bottom of the stomach ache pile, if you know what I mean. You write such poetry above. I didn’t know about your loss of a child. And how wonderful that you can now see that experience in its true light. We are so blessed to come to see the perfection in all.
Thank you for sharing your very powerful story, Lesley. You know I’ve recently experienced some profound release from old pain. On top of that, your story made me think of what my childhood hometown represents to me and how much I want to change that story energetically–and to release that story from my cellular memory.
Keep writing and doing what you’re doing, Lesley, as you’re inspiring us to look at the parallels in our lives.
Alice, through your beautiful writings I have been blessed to know some of your story. You too inspire me with your courage to follow your true path, rather than the one that was more prescribed and condoned by society. We can continue to evolve together.
Dear Lesley,
The Truth in your sharing reveals a soul that is holding tight to His hand. An affirmation of His promise. Thanks for opening your heart with a connection that is beyond words.
Much Love,
Deb
Thank you, Deb. You are so kind. I find I am most lit when I offer myself as a channel, as I’m sure you do to in your beautiful relating to the world. So happy to share the journey with you!
You willingness to share your story & experiences allows others to also share in the journey. Thank you for your honesty, perspective, insights, & for allowing the Shabda to flow & encircle all of us who are touched by your words.
Thank you, Susan, sharing makes me so happy! In my spiritual journey I have been blessed with amazing friends and we spend our time talking and musing over this fabulous journey we are on. This blog has been a way for me to extend that conversation to others who maybe are not quite so blessed with kindred souls. I am so happy that this blog is becoming a bit of a community where our deepest love holds forth.
Love, love, and more love…….opens up as we surrender more deeply to the inner Beloved…….
It is truly what we want beyond anything else.
your experiences are proportional to your efforts and your devotion
and there is nothing better than being a pure and open channel for this Divine Shabda
thank you for your courage and commitment and love
let us all whirl in HIS Divine love and become intoxicated love hounds!!!!!
Yes, yes, yes, Debra. Your love is intoxicating. “Let us all whirl in HIS Divine love,” What a delightful image you create of us as spiral universes basking in His glory.
I love the tag line by Hafiz that you chose, “All your pain, worry, sorrow will someday apologize and confirm they were a great lie.” I wonder if there is an unstated corollary hidden in that verse that states something like, “All your pain, worry, sorrow will someday stand before you and acknowledge they were your servants.”
The way you slice through some of the heaviest and thickest currents of our lives with such simplicity and truth is offered like a lifesaver tossed to us all. I appreciate, like so many others here, that you are so open and willing for us to glimpse your battles and your victories, always victories. Every battle gains us something.
Deepest thanks!
Thank you, Rudy, and right back at you. I always appreciate and take in deeply what you share. That notion that our challenges are our servants holds such truth. The more I surrender to that notion, the easier it is to rise above outdated viewpoints and shine anew. Blessings, dear friend.
Lesley, thanks so much for sharing so openly – that takes courage! – and for the eloquence which is a gift in everything you write.
Most of all thank you for reminding all of us that the pain we’ve been through can be transmuted and we can be transformed.
Love to you, sweetheart!
Qatana, I’m always so happy to hear from you. What you say is true: our pain really is transmuted and we really do transform. It is joy sharing business and spiritual adventures with you, dear friend.
Thank you, Lesley, for sharing your experience and feelings; with such a great outcome.
Twice, it hit me…in the gut.
That’s powerful writing~
I am so glad you wrote this:
“Anyone who is driven to spirituality has walked the darkest path imaginable.”
It reminds me of Richard Rohr’s writings about “being in the belly of the whale.”
And, thanks for teaching us, by way of example, of what is possible.
Bob, I recall from long ago reading about “being in the belly of the whale.” Thank you for reminding me of that. I know that in recent years your path has been very dark. I’m grateful to be the conduit to let in some light. You are headed in the right direction.
Beautifully perceived and written, Lesley. We are here for only one true purpose, and all of our heartaches, as well as our triumphs, are designed to get us Home. Your writing speaks so clearly of this truth, and inspires all who read them to celebrate their journeys. Much love.